Shows I Don’t Want to Watch: The Finder

The Finder is an upcoming TV drama, starring that guy I know from somewhere as someone with the ability to solve mysteries no one else can solve. No, but see, this is different from all the other shows with this exact same premise, because, um...he finds things. By biting stuff. And his partner is a big black guy.

Seriously, can you just bring back Pushing Daisies? And Wonderfalls, while you’re at it. This looks boring and unfunny.

The lion tells me not to watch.

And what kind of lazy name for a show is The Finder? What can we expect next, The Mystery Solver? The Really Smart Brainiac? The Guy What Does The Things?


Mystery. Evidence. A solution at the end of the episode. The Guys What Does the Things has all of this and more. More mysteries, more evidence, and more solutions, that is. It’s an “original” new drama from the makers of Numb3rs, Medium, Lie to Me...well, you get the idea.

David Lyons from The Cape is The Guy, a guy with a unique brain what’s not like other brains, and he does the things with the brain what solves the mysteries.

My brain solves you, mystery.

His partner is played by Lauren German of Happy Town fame, and -- you know what, I’m the only one who actually watched Happy Town, so just forget I brought it up. Guy. Girl. Brain. Solving. Watch.

The Breaking News as it Breaks: There Was a Terminator TV Show

Televised Shawn here, bringing you the latest news as I find out about it. This just in: a conversation with an important Hollywood insider has alerted me to a Terminator television show, which came out back in 2008.


Me: You know what would be cool? If there was a Terminator TV show where John Connor and his mom, they fight Terminators with the help of another Terminator, only this time the good Terminator’s that weird chick from Firefly.

Important Hollywood Insider: They already did that a few years ago. It was called Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Me: Oh.


The implications of this breaking development are enormous, renewing my hopes for a show about the adventures of a young Indiana Jones.

This has been The Breaking News as it Breaks on Televised Bucketry, bringing you the most
up-to-date information on the news stories that impact your life, provided those stories are
television-related and I know about them.

Spoilermaker Reviews: 12 Dates of Christmas

I wanted to review something Christmas-themed for the holiday season, and when I learned of a TV movie in the vein of Groundhog Day, I knew it had to be the one. 12 Dates of Christmas stars Amy Smart of movie stardom fame as Kate, a sociopath who learns to love everything after reliving Christmas Eve 12 times. That’s probably not quite how ABC Family would put it, but whatever. It’s on their network at some time on some day, or possibly at more than one time on more than one day. I can’t be expected to know these things.  You can also watch it on Hulu at the moment.

It’s no secret to people I’ve told that I love the repeating time concept, from Groundhog Day to Day Break to Source Code.



The train was blown up by a. a policeman, b. Santa Claus, or c. a guy disguised as a tree.

On the other hand, I’m no fan of drowning in Christmas cheer and sappy drama. So I see two possibilities here. Either the repeating days will make the other stuff watchable, or this will be like seeing the same gushy holiday romance twelve times in a row.  I’m hoping it’s the former.


Day 1

The movie begins at Kate’s workplace on Christmas Eve, where The Twelve Days of Christmas is playing on the radio. Mr. Finger Gun hates that song, and Kate’s best friend Miyoki is none too fond of it, either. He tries hitting on her, but no dice.

Keep shooting for the stars.

Kate calls her ex-boyfriend Jack and asks to see him today, hoping to get back together. It would seem that all she wants for Christmas is Jack. She still has to buy him a present, though, and she has a blind date with Miles at five. Miyoko gives her a hard time over this, but don’t worry. As Kate puts it, “It’s all part of the plan.” And when has anything bad ever followed that line?

By the way, please don’t show the shopping footage twelve times, movie. I don’t think I can take it.

Ooh, is that a shirt? Let me see.

Elsewhere in the mall, some carolers are singing The Twelve Days of Christmas. Didn’t we just hear this? At the same time, Kate gets sprayed in the face with magic perfume, and it knocks her unconscious.

Amy auditions for Requiem for a Dream 2.

She wakes up to three people standing over her, and you’ll have to get used to this because you’ll see it about a dozen times throughout the movie. Then, after some more stuff that will undoubtedly repeat, it’s off to Nick’s Bar for a blind date with Miles, who doesn’t matter because his name isn’t Jack.

Kate sees a guy with glasses at the bar and is disturbed that this bespectacled nobody might dare to be waiting for her. Why did her blind date (who she was going to blow off for her ex, anyway) have to be wearing glasses? God.

Toby’s waiting for someone named Phyllis, though, and Kate finds the real Miles at another table. Why did her blind date have to be that guy from Saved by the Bell? God.

They make small talk, and when she says that she’s in advertising, Saved by the Bell asks if she did the talking baby commercials. Look, dude, we’ve already been over this. You can’t draw her talking investment baby or post my news. Go coach some orphans or something.

Maybe I will.

So anyway, Kate blows off Miles to go see Jack (it’s all part of the plan) and makes almost no attempt to hide it. Miles should have seen this coming, not being Jack and all. It turns out that her ex has a girlfriend named Nancy now, but he lets Kate spend Christmas with his dog Max. She promptly dresses the poor thing in festive antlers.

You’re a mean one, Miss Grinch.

Kate goes to have dinner with her father and his “lady friend” (also known as wife in circles that aren’t Kate). That’s when our protagonist comes out with this gem: “Nothing is like it used to be. If it was, Mom would still be alive.”

Awkward.

Damn, Kate. That was just cold. I’m starting to think we’re not supposed to like you very much.

At midnight, the dog turns the TV on and gets angry at some jewelry, but not just any jewelry. No, it’s a partridge in a pear tree, and it sends Kate back to the time when she was sprayed with perfume.

Okay, let me see if I understand. The perfume is magic, and it makes her repeat the same day twelve times because The Twelve Days of Christmas was being sung when she was sprayed. And because there’s a partridge in a pear tree that just happens to show up at midnight...that makes her go back to the spraying. I’m thinking Groundhog Day had the right idea in not explaining this stuff. Let’s just blame it on The Twelve Days of Christmas.

It’s two turtle doves! Get ’em!

Day 2

Kate’s kind of freaked out that it’s the same day all over again, but eventually she decides that none of this is really happening. That’s when she starts to scare me a little. “I can do anything in a dream. I can act any way I want.” Forget giving her BFF jam for Christmas or being rude to the neighbor lady; now Kate can really go nuts. Murder, mayhem, you name it. This is Lord of the Flies territory, the collapse of the social order.

First we get Jack back, and then we kill the fat hobbitses.

I’m starting to think that the Joker quote from before wasn’t a coincidence. In fact, I’m pretty sure taking a person like Kate and making her relive the same day over and over is a good way of creating The Joker. “Want to see a magic trick? It’s not like you’ll remember it tomorrow.”

Our lovely antihero decides to steal her precious back from Nancy, so she puts on a hot dress, and…yeah, that’s pretty much her whole plan. Jack will totally dump his girlfriend when he sees that hot dress. First, though, she has to blow off Miles again. Kate somehow still thinks that this is a dream, even though it’s nothing like a dream, so I’m not sure why she bothers showing up for her blind date. Still, she at least makes a point of being dismissive toward everyone.

When the chance arrives to put the moves on Jack, Kate finds out that he and Nancy got engaged. Don’t worry, you’ll just have to ruin their relationship earlier in the day.


Day 3

Kate sees a doctor, as people in repeating day stories tend to do, and he diagnoses her with holiday anxiety. After all, the first symptom of holiday anxiety is thinking you’re reliving the same day over and over again. It’s in the book of medical doctory, people.

She meets Jack earlier in the day as expected, but instead of breaking him and Nancy up, she stops obsessing over him and starts trying to be friendly and helpful. Well, that was a strange and sudden reversal. Either her doctor could give Dr. Phil a run for his money, or this girl has some serious mood swings. After all, it’s not like we’ve seen the last of the old Kate.

Cooking utensils.  God.

What have I told you about wearing glasses?

She goes to her blind date early, pretends to be someone else, and tells Miles that it’s not his fault if he gets stood up by his date who is not her. Well, I suppose this is nice, if you’re grading on a scale...


Day 4

We see some more of nice Kate, which is making me awfully suspicious. Then, when she neglects to show up for her date or to visit her dad and his lady friend, they all surprise Kate at her apartment. I would have ended Day 3 that way, myself. “Aren’t you that girl I ate mozzarella sticks with?”

Saved by the Bell is a parkitect, which I refuse to accept as a word, so let’s just call him unemployed. He argues that Kate’s a good person by pointing to the heart line on her hand. She tells him that some other line is actually the heart line. Come on, Kate, we all know that you have no heart line.

Miles says that it wouldn’t have mattered how she handled her relationship with Jack, because it was fate for them to break up. I’m gonna hold on to that excuse for later. “Your honor, I did not destroy our marriage by having all of those affairs. It was fate. Fate should pay her alimony.”



It’s fate disguised as children! Get ’im!


I don’t know, though, Miles. I think it might have helped the relationship just a little if she didn’t make those faces so much.

Whatever I’m looking at?  God.

Day 5

Kate is possessed by the holiday spirit, and it’s moving her face like a puppet. She’s extra cheerful today, even doing a little phone dance when Miles agrees to meet her. Just how many uppers has she taken?

They spend their first date buying a Christmas tree, dragging it up the stairs to her apartment, and decorating it. You know it might not even be there tomorrow, Kate. This might be the most evil thing you’ve done yet. Next time around will you have your blind date paint your apartment for you?

They’re at church together when the clock strikes midnight (apparently, Kate can pass over hallowed ground), but the day repeats, anyway. So the partridge from the shopping network sends you back in time even if you’re not watching it on TV? Help me understand, movie.


Day 6

Kate is not at all happy about facing yet another Christmas Eve. Oh......okay. Okay, I get it now. She was just pretending not to be evil so that the day would stop repeating. Clever girl.

It seems that she isn’t going anywhere for the moment, so Kate decides to enjoy her freedom from obligations. She goes shopping, drives around in a Christmas red Ferrari, and gets a permanent tattoo. Except that it’s not really permanent if you won’t have it tomorrow, so you basically endured the pain for nothing. Maybe you should have made your blind date get a tattoo for you.


Day 7

Orphans, ice skating, blah blah blah.


Day 9

Kate’s in a bad mood today. I think she’s going through evil withdrawal.


Day 11

Kate helps Michael, an orphan that Miles coaches, keep a pet dog so that he doesn’t have to run away from the group home. “Our evil plan is working,” she says to Michael. No, she really says that, and then she says something about how the home will never get rid of the dog now.

I hate to break it to you, Kate, but you’re getting really rusty at this whole villainy thing. It’s kind of sad to watch, because she’s trying so hard to be evil, and this is the best she can do. “Next I’ll make people donate to the Ronald McDonald House, mwa ha ha! Eat my devil’s food cake, starving children of Africa!”


Day 12

It’s Christmas Eve for real this time, and Manic Kate is back in a big way.

Let’s read all the encyclopedias!

I think all of this Christmas cheer and compassion for others is actually wearing off on Kate. She decides to play matchmaker for everyone, and that includes hooking Toby up with Miyoko. She tells him not to wear his glasses, because as we all know, eyeglasses are the most effective birth control ever invented.

Kate goes on her last first date with Miles, where he’s surprised by her outgoing, positive attitude. “Sally said you were a little…”

“Shorter?” she guesses, but no. “Perkier?” That’s not it, either. I’m betting on evil, of course, but it turns out that she’s a little afraid. Um…okay? Sally must not know pure evil when it’s staring her in the face.

Kate takes Miles to a party with all the people she helped and some others I don’t recognize, all of them filled with the holiday spirit. Mr. Finger Gun isn’t there, though, because people who pretend that their hands are guns don’t get happy endings. Enjoy your TV dinner alone, Mr. Finger Gun.



Maybe I will.

The Twelve Days of Christmas is sung for a third time, and Kate and Miles both agree that it sucks. If everyone hates this song so much, then why does the movie keep playing it?

Now it’s happy ending time. Kate hits it off with Saved by the Bell, the day finally comes to an end, and every last trace of Kate’s evil is gone, defeated by the Ghost of Christmas Repeating Day.

12 Dates of Christmas is a fascinating meditation on the nature of evil and how man’s (and woman’s) darker impulses are buried as society takes form. And as inspirational Christmas fantasy fluff, it’s pretty good, too.

Final Grade: C+

Merry Christmas!

The Weekly News This Week: The Playboy Club still cancelled

Rumors in Hollywood abound that The Playboy Club is still cancelled and will be for the foreseeable future.  When asked whether or not The Playboy Club would be uncancelled, a source inside Hollywood said, and I quote, “No.”  Among the dozens of fans of the plucky TV drama, however, hope remains that he will change his answer to “Yes”.

In other TV news, Twin Peaks still doesn’t make any sense, Gilligan still hasn’t gotten off the island, Family Matters is still a spinoff of Perfect Strangers, and The Kardashians still isn’t being watched by me.


This is Televised Shawn with The Weekly News This Week, delivering the news you need for television survival every Friday on the dot.  Unless I forget to do it, or I just don’t feel like it.  Maybe I didn’t get out of bed that week, or maybe I have a life that doesn’t revolve around you.  Or maybe there isn’t any news to deliver, did you ever think of that?  News doesn’t grow on trees, people.

Or maybe I’m trying to deliver the news, but I get chased away by a knife-wielding maniac and settle for riding my bike through an obstacle course.  Or maybe someone else delivers the news before I get the chance, but seriously?   Get your own damn blog.  I don’t march into your advertising firm and draw your talking investment baby for you, so don’t post my news.

Spoilermaker Reviews: Terra Nova, “Within”

It's the next to last episode of the season, and this is the one we've all been waiting for.  Not only is the spy in Terra Nova revealed, but we get a showdown between Taylor and Lucas, mano a mano but with Jim Shannon there.  It's also an episode heavily focused on Skye, the really hot girl who doesn't show up nearly enough.

Damn, woman.

First, though, let me take a moment to talk about the unsung villains of Terra Nova: dinosaurs.  A common criticism of this show is that there aren't enough dinosaurs.  While that's certainly true, the same could be said of any show, really.  I watched an entire season of Mad Men...not one dinosaur.  Not one.  There was plenty of advertising, plenty of January Jones acting bored, but no velociraptors or stegosauruses to be found.

I ran the numbers, and Terra Nova has 37% more dinosaurs than Mad Men.  That's an increase of at least 13%.  Here's a chart to better illustrate my point.

Now whose show doesn't have enough dinosaurs?  Huh?  Huh?

Back to the episode at hand.  Taylor wants to know who the Sixer spy is, and if Shannon doesn't get the answer soon, then he'll ask him again some other time.  I don't know about you guys, but ever since it was revealed that there was a spy in Terra Nova, my prime suspect has been the Shannon's youngest daughter.  I'm sorry, but no little girl acts that nice all the time unless she's up to something.  It's also a little too convenient that she was snuck into Terra Nova and that she has no legal identity in the future, but nobody suspects her because she's “just a little girl”.  Oh, you mean like that other little girl who was totally a Sixer spy?  What are you hiding, Zoe Shannon?  I demand answers!

Who, me?

Don't make me put you back in the air vent and not sing the spider song.

Shannon starts questioning suspects who can't be the real spy, because I don't know any of them.  Then he calls in Skye, and...uh oh.  I'm just going to warn you right now, if Skye turns out to be a Sixer, I'm switching sides.  Count me in as a fair-weather fan, because I will betray every last one of you Terra Novans for that hottie in a heartbeat.  I would totally leave my old girlfriend in the dirty, overpopulated future for her.  Kara who?  Never heard of her.

Josh covers for Skye, not knowing that she's the Sixer spy that she totally is and Terra Nova is now my enemy.  I'll kill them all if I have to.

It turns out that Skye goes by Bucket in some circles.  I think Skye is a nicer name, myself, but whatever you say, show.  Bucket it is.  Team Bucket for life.  It also turns out that the Sixers have taken her mother hostage and are making Bucket betray the others to save her life. She likes Terra Nova after all, so I suppose I won't murder them this week.

If you think this clears your name, little girl, you are mistaken.  Don't fall for that cutesy routine, Shannon.  We just proved that Skye's guilty, not that Zoe's innocent. It could've been a double blind.  Keep sweating her.

Someday you will kill for me, puppet.

Taylor's evil son Lucas wants Bucket to help make the portal go both ways, which seems like a harmless enough request coming from the disturbing, evil guy.  The way he acts toward her is casually creepy, but he doesn't seem to be attracted to her.  It's more like he wants to dress her up as Raggedy Ann and invite her to his tea party.  That's the vibe I'm getting, anyway, and I'm really not comfortable with it.

Care for a crumpet, my little tea bucket?

Cue involuntary shudder.

Shannon sees Bucket sneaking out to go to the Sixers' camp, and when he questions his son again, Josh has to go and admit that he and Skye weren't playing chess or having pre-marital sex, or anything.  Just whose side are you on, Josh?  Meanwhile, Maddy trades a wheel for a computer core, and nobody cares.

After Bucket helps Evil Son Lucas (but doesn't accept the invitation to his tea party), he tells her the truth.  The portal going both ways means that bad people from the future will come to take over Terra Nova.  So just who are these bad people?

Well, to figure that out, let's talk about dinosaurs some more.  They make a couple brief appearances in this episode, but they don't actually do anything.  Are the show's creators just toying with us at this point, offering us sweet, sweet dinosaurs only to pull them away at the last minute?  Or are the dinosaurs watching and waiting for the coming revolution?

We see all...

Maybe some dinosaurs did survive the Ice Age by digging deep into the Earth where it was nice and toasty.  Maybe they evolved into really smart dinosaurs and secretly took over the world of the future, ruling and manipulating from their ivory towers where no one could see them.  See, Taylor thinks that the bad people want to take the prehistoric world's resources back to the future with them, but that's not it at all.  They want to take dinosaurs back with them, to amass an army and wipe out the foolish humans that swarm the Earth.  Then these Dinosaur Overlords will rule over their stupid, obedient dinosaur cousins in both timelines.  I can't believe I didn't see it before, it's so obvious.

Do I really have to make a 1% joke?

Bucket hasn't figured all of this out yet, but she sees the writing on the wall, so she runs off to warn Shannon and Taylor.  They believe her, eventually, but they sure are miffed about that whole treason thing.  You are grounded, young lady.  No pre-marital sex for a week.

You have to feel for Taylor, because it's hard to lay down the law when you have no prison system.  Josh committed treason against Terra Nova, so he's grounded.  Skye committed treason against Terra Nova, so Taylor gives her the cold shoulder.

Nah nah nah nah nah, I can't hear you!

He's not even that good at it.  You know Taylor will forgive her soon enough, and her acts of treason will just blow over.  If I were him, I'd build a prison already.  Not that I'm complaining, though, since Team Bucket lives to fight another day.

So Shannon and Taylor go to face Evil Son Lucas, Lucas escapes back through the portal to report to his reptilian masters, Taylor reminisces about getting Lucas' mom killed (it was the summer of '38)...and Bucket's mom is rescued from the Sixer scum!  Team Bucket wins!  Best episode yet!

Hottest.  Bucket.  Ever.

The two-part season finale is coming up (or already here, same difference), and it's bound to be a knock-down, drag-out fight between Team Bucket and Team Dinosaur Overlords, with some of the lesser teams batting for each side.  The little girl is proving to be the show's ultimate villain, clearly, but I don't think she'll play her hand this soon.  No, she's running the long con, mark my words.

I'll be fingerpainting with your blood soon enough, Mommy.

Team Family could be a wild card, though.  They show up in every episode for some reason, and this episode their loyalty to Bucket was really put to the test, but I think they'll come through in the end.  That just leaves one burning question.

When the sky rains pterodactyls and the wrath of the terrible lizards is unleashed, whose side will you be on?

Final Grade: A-

The Birth of a Blog

Television is the great equalizer, or so they say.  Sprawled out on a couch in the same clothes as yesterday, bathed in its sedating glow, there's nothing separating the greatest king from the worst
stand-up comedian, the highest trapeze artist from the lowest of limbo perfomers.  TV makes believers out of all of us and celebrities out of a much smaller percentage of us.  It offers us entertainment of every kind but the non-TV kind, enough inspirational stuff to choke a saint, fair and balanced journalism (sensationalized murder trials and celebrity gossip!), and Antiques Roadshow.  We are drawn to it like moths to moth food, whatever it is that moths eat.  I'm thinking it's mothballs, but I've never found any at my local pet store.

However, when wandering through the vast, uncharted forest of channels, it's easy to get lost, tangled in the underbrush, and pricked by the thistle bushes of bad television.  Without a map to guide your way, you might find yourself watching reality TV, or Nancy Grace, or that episode of Scooby Doo where the monster really was a monster, and it murdered everyone but Daphne, and she ended up in a psych ward gibbering about Scooby Snacks.  It's possible that that last one is just an urban legend, but if it isn't, you'll be the first to know.

This is where Televised Bucketry comes in.  I'll work to uncover the news that no one else has the guts, the interest, or the lack of dignity to bother with.  I'll tell you what to watch and what not to watch so that you don't have to make those pesky decisions for yourselves.  Stop by anytime.  I probably won't be here, but I'll leave a light on for you, anyway, and a bowl of mothballs by the front door in case you have pet moths.