It’s no secret to people I’ve told that I love the repeating time concept, from Groundhog Day to Day Break to Source Code.
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| The train was blown up by a. a policeman, b. Santa Claus, or c. a guy disguised as a tree. |
On the other hand, I’m no fan of drowning in Christmas cheer and sappy drama. So I see two possibilities here. Either the repeating days will make the other stuff watchable, or this will be like seeing the same gushy holiday romance twelve times in a row. I’m hoping it’s the former.
Day 1
The movie begins at Kate’s workplace on Christmas Eve, where The Twelve Days of Christmas is playing on the radio. Mr. Finger Gun hates that song, and Kate’s best friend Miyoki is none too fond of it, either. He tries hitting on her, but no dice.
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| Keep shooting for the stars. |
Kate calls her ex-boyfriend Jack and asks to see him today, hoping to get back together. It would seem that all she wants for Christmas is Jack. She still has to buy him a present, though, and she has a blind date with Miles at five. Miyoko gives her a hard time over this, but don’t worry. As Kate puts it, “It’s all part of the plan.” And when has anything bad ever followed that line?
By the way, please don’t show the shopping footage twelve times, movie. I don’t think I can take it.
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| Ooh, is that a shirt? Let me see. |
Elsewhere in the mall, some carolers are singing The Twelve Days of Christmas. Didn’t we just hear this? At the same time, Kate gets sprayed in the face with magic perfume, and it knocks her unconscious.
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| Amy auditions for Requiem for a Dream 2. |
She wakes up to three people standing over her, and you’ll have to get used to this because you’ll see it about a dozen times throughout the movie. Then, after some more stuff that will undoubtedly repeat, it’s off to Nick’s Bar for a blind date with Miles, who doesn’t matter because his name isn’t Jack.
Kate sees a guy with glasses at the bar and is disturbed that this bespectacled nobody might dare to be waiting for her. Why did her blind date (who she was going to blow off for her ex, anyway) have to be wearing glasses? God.
Toby’s waiting for someone named Phyllis, though, and Kate finds the real Miles at another table. Why did her blind date have to be that guy from Saved by the Bell? God.
They make small talk, and when she says that she’s in advertising, Saved by the Bell asks if she did the talking baby commercials. Look, dude, we’ve already been over this. You can’t draw her talking investment baby or post my news. Go coach some orphans or something.
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| Maybe I will. |
So anyway, Kate blows off Miles to go see Jack (it’s all part of the plan) and makes almost no attempt to hide it. Miles should have seen this coming, not being Jack and all. It turns out that her ex has a girlfriend named Nancy now, but he lets Kate spend Christmas with his dog Max. She promptly dresses the poor thing in festive antlers.
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| You’re a mean one, Miss Grinch. |
Kate goes to have dinner with her father and his “lady friend” (also known as wife in circles that aren’t Kate). That’s when our protagonist comes out with this gem: “Nothing is like it used to be. If it was, Mom would still be alive.”
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| Awkward. |
Damn, Kate. That was just cold. I’m starting to think we’re not supposed to like you very much.
At midnight, the dog turns the TV on and gets angry at some jewelry, but not just any jewelry. No, it’s a partridge in a pear tree, and it sends Kate back to the time when she was sprayed with perfume.
Okay, let me see if I understand. The perfume is magic, and it makes her repeat the same day twelve times because The Twelve Days of Christmas was being sung when she was sprayed. And because there’s a partridge in a pear tree that just happens to show up at midnight...that makes her go back to the spraying. I’m thinking Groundhog Day had the right idea in not explaining this stuff. Let’s just blame it on The Twelve Days of Christmas.
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| It’s two turtle doves! Get ’em! |
Day 2
Kate’s kind of freaked out that it’s the same day all over again, but eventually she decides that none of this is really happening. That’s when she starts to scare me a little. “I can do anything in a dream. I can act any way I want.” Forget giving her BFF jam for Christmas or being rude to the neighbor lady; now Kate can really go nuts. Murder, mayhem, you name it. This is Lord of the Flies territory, the collapse of the social order.
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| First we get Jack back, and then we kill the fat hobbitses. |
I’m starting to think that the Joker quote from before wasn’t a coincidence. In fact, I’m pretty sure taking a person like Kate and making her relive the same day over and over is a good way of creating The Joker. “Want to see a magic trick? It’s not like you’ll remember it tomorrow.”
Our lovely antihero decides to steal her precious back from Nancy, so she puts on a hot dress, and…yeah, that’s pretty much her whole plan. Jack will totally dump his girlfriend when he sees that hot dress. First, though, she has to blow off Miles again. Kate somehow still thinks that this is a dream, even though it’s nothing like a dream, so I’m not sure why she bothers showing up for her blind date. Still, she at least makes a point of being dismissive toward everyone.
When the chance arrives to put the moves on Jack, Kate finds out that he and Nancy got engaged. Don’t worry, you’ll just have to ruin their relationship earlier in the day.
Day 3
Kate sees a doctor, as people in repeating day stories tend to do, and he diagnoses her with holiday anxiety. After all, the first symptom of holiday anxiety is thinking you’re reliving the same day over and over again. It’s in the book of medical doctory, people.
She meets Jack earlier in the day as expected, but instead of breaking him and Nancy up, she stops obsessing over him and starts trying to be friendly and helpful. Well, that was a strange and sudden reversal. Either her doctor could give Dr. Phil a run for his money, or this girl has some serious mood swings. After all, it’s not like we’ve seen the last of the old Kate.
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| Cooking utensils. God. |
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| What have I told you about wearing glasses? |
She goes to her blind date early, pretends to be someone else, and tells Miles that it’s not his fault if he gets stood up by his date who is not her. Well, I suppose this is nice, if you’re grading on a scale...
Day 4
We see some more of nice Kate, which is making me awfully suspicious. Then, when she neglects to show up for her date or to visit her dad and his lady friend, they all surprise Kate at her apartment. I would have ended Day 3 that way, myself. “Aren’t you that girl I ate mozzarella sticks with?”
Saved by the Bell is a parkitect, which I refuse to accept as a word, so let’s just call him unemployed. He argues that Kate’s a good person by pointing to the heart line on her hand. She tells him that some other line is actually the heart line. Come on, Kate, we all know that you have no heart line.
Miles says that it wouldn’t have mattered how she handled her relationship with Jack, because it was fate for them to break up. I’m gonna hold on to that excuse for later. “Your honor, I did not destroy our marriage by having all of those affairs. It was fate. Fate should pay her alimony.”
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| It’s fate disguised as children! Get ’im! |
I don’t know, though, Miles. I think it might have helped the relationship just a little if she didn’t make those faces so much.
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| Whatever I’m looking at? God. |
Day 5
Kate is possessed by the holiday spirit, and it’s moving her face like a puppet. She’s extra cheerful today, even doing a little phone dance when Miles agrees to meet her. Just how many uppers has she taken?
They spend their first date buying a Christmas tree, dragging it up the stairs to her apartment, and decorating it. You know it might not even be there tomorrow, Kate. This might be the most evil thing you’ve done yet. Next time around will you have your blind date paint your apartment for you?
They’re at church together when the clock strikes midnight (apparently, Kate can pass over hallowed ground), but the day repeats, anyway. So the partridge from the shopping network sends you back in time even if you’re not watching it on TV? Help me understand, movie.
Day 6
Kate is not at all happy about facing yet another Christmas Eve. Oh......okay. Okay, I get it now. She was just pretending not to be evil so that the day would stop repeating. Clever girl.
It seems that she isn’t going anywhere for the moment, so Kate decides to enjoy her freedom from obligations. She goes shopping, drives around in a Christmas red Ferrari, and gets a permanent tattoo. Except that it’s not really permanent if you won’t have it tomorrow, so you basically endured the pain for nothing. Maybe you should have made your blind date get a tattoo for you.
Day 7
Orphans, ice skating, blah blah blah.
Day 9
Kate’s in a bad mood today. I think she’s going through evil withdrawal.
Day 11
Kate helps Michael, an orphan that Miles coaches, keep a pet dog so that he doesn’t have to run away from the group home. “Our evil plan is working,” she says to Michael. No, she really says that, and then she says something about how the home will never get rid of the dog now.
I hate to break it to you, Kate, but you’re getting really rusty at this whole villainy thing. It’s kind of sad to watch, because she’s trying so hard to be evil, and this is the best she can do. “Next I’ll make people donate to the Ronald McDonald House, mwa ha ha! Eat my devil’s food cake, starving children of Africa!”
Day 12
It’s Christmas Eve for real this time, and Manic Kate is back in a big way.
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| Let’s read all the encyclopedias! |
I think all of this Christmas cheer and compassion for others is actually wearing off on Kate. She decides to play matchmaker for everyone, and that includes hooking Toby up with Miyoko. She tells him not to wear his glasses, because as we all know, eyeglasses are the most effective birth control ever invented.
Kate goes on her last first date with Miles, where he’s surprised by her outgoing, positive attitude. “Sally said you were a little…”
“Shorter?” she guesses, but no. “Perkier?” That’s not it, either. I’m betting on evil, of course, but it turns out that she’s a little afraid. Um…okay? Sally must not know pure evil when it’s staring her in the face.
Kate takes Miles to a party with all the people she helped and some others I don’t recognize, all of them filled with the holiday spirit. Mr. Finger Gun isn’t there, though, because people who pretend that their hands are guns don’t get happy endings. Enjoy your TV dinner alone, Mr. Finger Gun.
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| Maybe I will. |
The Twelve Days of Christmas is sung for a third time, and Kate and Miles both agree that it sucks. If everyone hates this song so much, then why does the movie keep playing it?
Now it’s happy ending time. Kate hits it off with Saved by the Bell, the day finally comes to an end, and every last trace of Kate’s evil is gone, defeated by the Ghost of Christmas Repeating Day.
12 Dates of Christmas is a fascinating meditation on the nature of evil and how man’s (and woman’s) darker impulses are buried as society takes form. And as inspirational Christmas fantasy fluff, it’s pretty good, too.
Final Grade: C+
Merry Christmas!
I only made it to day 5 and was so happy to find this post so I could see how it ends without having to watch the rest of the days! I think it would have been quite fine if it just ended after day 5. That was a good ending point.
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