Monday, January 23, 2012

Breaking News: Breaking Bad is About Drugs




AMC has earned critical praise and a sizable fanbase for its family drama Breaking Bad, the name of which I’m guessing refers to some kind of brownie recipe. The show is about a high school teacher and family man who teams up with an enterprising former student to make money through a bake drive, with violent results.

Recently though, Televised Bucketry has uncovered a shocking development : what Malcolm’s dad and Jesse are cooking is not cakes or pies or a nice lasagna, but an illegal drug known as crystal meth. To get to the bottom of this, I sat down with an important Hollywood insider.


Me: It’s time to come clean. Is it true that Breaking Bad is secretly about the manufacturing and selling of drugs?

Important Hollywood Insider: There’s nothing secret about it. The show focuses extensively on the drug trade. I don’t know how you could have possibly missed that.

Me: What about when Malcolm’s dad baked a pizza and threw it on his roof?

Important Hollywood Insider: He didn’t bake that pizza. You need to pay more attention when watching.

Me: I think a lot of people would buy pizzas from a good cook like Malcolm’s dad. Everyone was saying great things about his hard candy. Malcolm’s dad could start a pizzeria, Skyler could be a waitress, and Jesse could wash dishes. Then every episode would end with a heartwarming life lesson.

Important Hollywood Insider: Would you stop calling him Malcolm’s dad? Bryan Cranston is a fantastic actor who won three Emmys for his performance, and he deserves respect.

Me: I don’t know, he didn’t act like any chef I’ve ever met.


Shocking news, indeed. What remains to be seen is whether Breaking Bad’s fan base, who were drawn to it from the start because of its old-fashioned values and appropriateness for the younger set, will stick with the show now that it moves into such dark and morally questionable territory. Is a show about drug dealers something that you would let your children continue to watch? Sound off in my comments section and let AMC know how you feel.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The Top 5 Television News Stories of 2011


It’s that time of year when we reporting types make “best of” lists to prove how relevant we are. This is mine, and I have to say, I am really, really relevant. Feast your eyes upon the top television news stories of 2011:


#1: The Playboy Club is cancelled

Spare a dime, mister?

I don’t think anyone saw this one coming.


#2: Televised Bucketry premieres to accolades, piles of money, and stalker fans

A Pulitzer in the making

I would like to say that this is the top story, but…come on. Playboy Club.


#3: Professor Splash gets kicked off of America’s Got Talent


Splash, aaah, King of the Impossible!


The man fell 36 feet into a kiddie pool. What more do you people want, for him to stab a shark to death with his landing? Actually, that would be pretty sweet. They should make a TV show starring the professor, where he’s a superhero in Vegas who fights aquatic villains by falling on them. They could call him…Professor Splash.


This is the end for you, Sharktopus!


#4: Prince William lands himself a hot wife

After careful examination, this is in fact a wedding.

I didn’t actually watch the televised wedding, but I have a good excuse for that: weddings are boring. You don’t even get any cake when it’s on TV. No cake, no Shawn. However, I do have to give props to the young prince for snagging a hottie.



Damn, Duchess.

This is the most important thing to happen to the royal family since Prince Albert* had a speech impediment, and I fully expect an Oscar-winning movie about Catherine overcoming something I don’t care about to become the hottest duchess ever. It’ll be like The Princess Diaries, but with Geoffrey Rush instead of Mary Poppins.

*Not the one in the can. I checked.


#5: Emilio Estevez does anything


I’m doing something, America.

It’s no stretch to say that Emilio Estevez and his wild and crazy antics have captivated the American public. It’s nearly impossible to pick just one of his many TV appearances, but I’m choosing the time that he went on The Ellen Degeneres Show with his father, Martin Sheen. The guy used golf metaphors to talk about how close his house is to his dad’s house. Emilio Estevez, you so crazy. Your neighborhood isn’t a golf course. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy.


Something crazy about golf