The Top 5 Television News Stories of 2011

It’s that time of year when we reporting types make “best of” lists to prove how relevant we are. This is mine, and I have to say, I am really, really relevant. Feast your eyes upon the top television news stories of 2011:


#1: The Playboy Club is cancelled

Spare a dime, mister?

I don’t think anyone saw this one coming.


#2: Televised Bucketry premieres to accolades, piles of money, and stalker fans

A Pulitzer in the making

I would like to say that this is the top story, but…come on. Playboy Club.


#3: Professor Splash gets kicked off of America’s Got Talent



Splash, aaah, King of the Impossible!



The man fell 36 feet into a kiddie pool. What more do you people want, for him to stab a shark to death with his landing? Actually, that would be pretty sweet. They should make a TV show starring the professor, where he’s a superhero in Vegas who fights aquatic villains by falling on them. They could call him…Professor Splash.



This is the end for you, Sharktopus!

#4: Prince William lands himself a hot wife

After careful examination, this is in fact a wedding.

I didn’t actually watch the televised wedding, but I have a good excuse for that: weddings are boring. You don’t even get any cake when it’s on TV. No cake, no Shawn. However, I do have to give props to the young prince for snagging a hottie.




Damn, Duchess.

This is the most important thing to happen to the royal family since Prince Albert* had a speech impediment, and I fully expect an Oscar-winning movie about Catherine overcoming something I don’t care about to become the hottest duchess ever. It’ll be like The Princess Diaries, but with Geoffrey Rush instead of Mary Poppins.

*Not the one in the can. I checked.


#5: Emilio Estevez does anything

I’m doing something, America.

It’s no stretch to say that Emilio Estevez and his wild and crazy antics have captivated the American public. It’s nearly impossible to pick just one of his many TV appearances, but I’m choosing the time that he went on The Ellen Degeneres Show with his father, Martin Sheen. The guy used golf metaphors to talk about how close his house is to his dad’s house. Emilio Estevez, you so crazy. Your neighborhood isn’t a golf course. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy.

Something crazy about golf